


Sticks and Stones

by WithTheKeyIsKing



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, BAMF Clint Barton, Clint Barton-centric, Dark Clint Barton, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Hydra Clint, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It Gets Better?, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, John Finds Clint Instead of SHIELD, M/M, Smart Clint Barton, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6946102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithTheKeyIsKing/pseuds/WithTheKeyIsKing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if John Garrett found Clint all those years ago instead of SHIELD?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sticks and Stones

Agent Phil Coulson was the one who "recruited" Clint to SHIELD. It took place after Hydra decided (with John being his loudest supporter) that Clint's skills were flawless enough to make him an undercover agent.

The mission was simple; for a few months Clint would act as a mercenary who was very selective about who he worked for (i.e., not working for very bad people). John would feed SHIELD a small piece of information about Clint without having it actually seem like it came from him to put SHIELD on Clint's tail. From there it was simple; Coulsonwho was a bleeding heart for cases like he thought Clint's wastold Fury he wanted to recruit Clint, and then Clint was being chased across rooftops by a team of SHIELD agents led by none other than Coulson.

Clint (after getting shot in the fucking leg) listened to Agent Coulson's recruitment spiel, looking like he was interested but pretending not to be (fooling people was far to easy). He agreed in the end and let the team of agents bring him in, making a fuss about the medical treatment because that was who he was. _(John always said Clint was a child when it came to getting fixed up, but that he was also proud of Clint's ability to turn off pain.)_

When Clint joined SHIELD, he made a list of threats.

Hydra already had their own of coursethey wouldn't be a very good worldwide organization if they didn't keep track of who was a danger to thembut joining SHIELD meant he was in the belly of the beast. He "accidently" ran into most of the people on Hydra's list (at least those in SHIELD, and a few that weren't) and made his own judgments about them. Nick Fury, Phil Coulson, Melinda May...

The only difference he made in the order of threat level was that he placed Phil Coulson far higher than Hydra had. Lots of people overlooked Agent Coulson because he had a mild-mannered disposition and wore non-descript suits and always kept a bland, forgettable smile on his face. But Clint had always had better sight than most, and Clint saw the danger in Coulson. He saw the analytical gaze Coulson used when surveying a room, and the measured way he walked as if to appear non-threatening. It was all there, if you knew to look for it.

He shared his observations with John because he shared everything with John. The older man had laughed at first, but when he realized that Clint was deadly serious, he paused and considered it. A week later, Agent Coulson's official Hydra threat level was bumped up and John gave Clint one of those private and genuine smiles that John only used when he was proud of something Clint had done.

Clint had been an agent of SHIELD for two years (and an agent of Hydra for nine) when he was given the mission to kill the Black Widow. He'd met her a few years before when he was still new to Hydra and on an undercover mission. Natalia Romanova was her name and she had seen right through Clint's cover. She had taught him new skills that he still used to this day and they'd spent a week's worth of nights together. She had left him in the middle of the night and he hadn't seen her since.

Now, SHIELD was sending Clint to kill Natalia. Clint wanted to ask John what Hydra wanted him to do, but John was on a mission and couldn't have any contact for at least another week. Clint couldn't stop wondering about recruiting Natalia, bringing her into Hydra. He could imagine the pride on John's face and the quick hug the older man would give him. Plus, Alexander Pierce might even tell Clint he'd done good work.

He was staring at Natalia through his scope as she sat outside a small café in Paris, France from a rooftop across the road. He held a sniper riffle in his hands instead of his usual bow because SHIELD wanted the kill to look like it was from a jealous member of Natalia's organization, the Red Room, so a simple and non-traceable gun was what he was using.

Clint made his decision quickly. He wanted to bring her in to Hydra, wanted to feel John's pride. He just wasn't sure how he was going to do it. He asked Agent Coulson (forever the voice in his ear) for permission to try something different, and the older manWayward Assassin Lover Extraordinaireassented immediately. Clint put down his riffle and made his way to the ground floor of the building his was on top of.

As Clint talked to Natalia, he tried to figure out in his head how he was going to get her to a Hydra agent before a SHIELD one, like Agent Coulson. The closest Hydra agent (that Clint knew about, at least) was Agent Jack Rollins, but he was at the command center with Coulson a few blocks over so there was no way to get Natalia to him without bringing her to SHIELD as well.

God, how Clint wished that John was nearby. Whenever Clint went on missions with John as his S.O., he felt the comfort of someone who _understood_ what Clint was going through, someone who understood the isolation of being in Deep Shadow Cover, and it made it easier for Clint to clear his head and make the choices he needed to make. Clint knew that Rollins probably knew what he wanted to accomplish with Natalia, but he wasn't forth-coming with ideas over the comm, even coded ones so SHIELD wouldn't have a clue.

In the end, Clint had no choice but to bring Natalia into SHIELD. She trusted him to do the right thing for her, trusted his instincts, but as soon as Coulson and Fury got their claws into her there would be a wall between them that she wouldn't even know about if Clint did his job right (and Clint _always_ did his job right). It sucked, in his opinion, because not only had he just handed an asset as talented as NataliaNatasha, nowover to SHIELD, but he'd also done it instead of killing her like he was supposed to.

When John got back from his mission a week and a half later, he immediately called Clint into his office. This was the part that Clint hated with all of his being. He could take it when John hit him or when he didn't talk to Clint for weeks because of missions or when John had to pretend like they didn't love each other. What Clint _couldn't_ take was the utterly disappointed expression on John's face right then.

For the next three weeks, John didn't say a word to Clint. Not a single word. Clint got his instructions from Brock Rumlow or Jasper Sitwell. Clint liked both of those men just fine, but they weren't John, and the meaning behind him being put with them was not lost on Clint; he had fucked upbig timeand John was separating himself from him to prove a point to him, that he was an asset like all of the rest and he needed to be punished like they would be.

Finally, after three weeks, John instructed Clint to come over to his apartment after work. Clint finished his work as soon as he could and raced over to John's cover apartment (his real one wasn't known to SHIELD just in case, and they both wanted to keep it that way). When he arrived, he found John sitting on his couch drinking a beer and watching a baseball game; Clint didn't notice who was playing, simply walking over to John and sitting down next to him.

John wordlessly offered Clint a sip of his beer and Clint silently accepted. After a few minutes of silence, John sighed and pulled Clint against his side, running his hand through Clint's hair in a comforting manner and then pressing a kiss to his forehead. Clint melted into his side and let himself be held, feeling so much better now that John was forgiving him.

"You messed up, Clint," John said quietly yet firmly. "You were sent to take out a threata threat to Hydra just as much as a threat to SHIELDand instead you thought you would be the hero and bring her into our organization. You didn't have a set plan, you didn't discuss it with Rollins, who was your support on that mission, and then instead of taking her out when you saw that you couldn't get her to Hydra, you brought her to SHIELD!"

Clint bowed his head but John didn't stop stroking Clint's hair, so he knew that John was just making sure he knew he'd been wrong, not that he was actually still mad. "I'm so sorry, John," Clint said, "I made a huge mistake, I fucked up. If you want me to take her out I will. Just tell me what you want me to do."

John sighed and shook his head. "No, Clint, it's fine. SHIELD has her now. We'll get rid of her once it's time to come out of the shadows. For now, keep her close, watch her every move. Do whatever you have to do to make her trust you; we'll need that doubt when she's going to be faced with the choice to kill you or join you. Now, go get some sleep. We have a long day tomorrow."

* * *

It didn't take long to get into Natasha's bed. They fell together after missions, still high on adrenaline and the rush of a mission-gone-well, or needing comfort after a mission-gone-bad. She already trusted him and was thankful to him for bringing her in instead of killing her like he was supposed to, so all he had to do to get her to open up was share a bit about his crappy childhood.

The bad part was that he began to genuinely like Natasha. She was intelligent and fiercely protective of those she cared about, one of which being Clint, and very kind when she wanted to be. Plus, she had a subtle sense of humor that Clint enjoyed. He wanted so badly to tell her about John, about how the older man had saved him from a horrible disaster and given him a home, a purpose. But she was already too deep into SHIELD. She liked Coulson and respected Fury and was beginning to really believe in what SHIELD stood for.

Another person Clint was supposed to get close to as a mission was Coulson, and with that came another problem; Philno,  _Coulson_ was funny, caring, firm when it was called for and gentle when it was needed. He was a genuinely good man, and Clint didn't like the idea that he had to fool this man that actually cared about Clint's wellbeing. But his loyalty to John came first. John had given him everything and he wouldn't betray the man just because someone was nice to him.

Then there was Barbara "Bobbi" Morse. She was a newbie agent who was placed with Clint on her first couple of missions. Clint quickly discovered that this girl was a diamond in the rough; she was a skilled fighter, had an ear for languages like Clint did, and had a wicked sense of humor. She had this habit of taunting her opponents whenever she was fighting, even if it was just sparring, and it quickly earned her the nickname (and later code-name) Mockingbird.

It surprised Clint when Bobbi kissed him. They were sparring and he tripped her. He reached down a hand to help her up and she yanked him down next to her. They were laughing and lying on the mats together, their bodies so close to each other. Clint turned his head to look at her and found her face right there. She leaned forward and Clint couldn't help but lean in as well.

Bobbi was sweet and funny and way too good for him, but he loved her all the same. He told John, feeling ashamed, and John laughed right in his face. He told Clint that he wasn't mad, that he didn't feel betrayed and that he wasn't going to tell anyone else at Hydra that he had real feelings for his SHIELD girlfriend. John allowed Clint to continue seeing Bobbi; the only catch was that if Clint did he would have to kill her when it was time.

Clint didn't want that; he wanted Bobbi to live, wanted her to be happy and healthy and _safe._ So he broke it off, doing his best to separate her from him. She hit him and he saw tears in her eyes (though she wouldn't let them fall, not over any man), but she pulled away from him like she was supposed to. John gave Clint a grin when he heard that clearly said he knew what Clint was doing, and to prove him wrong _(but oh, was he right),_ Clint was extra good for him that night.

The years passed and Clint rose rapidly through the ranks, quickly becoming the best marksman SHIELD (and Hydra) had, as if there was any doubt before. Clint and Natasha were famous as a pair that could not be stopped, and everyone knew that Coulson was the handler who managed them better than anyone else at SHIELD could (except for John, but no one knew about that).

Soon enough, ten years of working for SHIELD (seventeen for Hydra) had passed and he was thirty-two years old. New Mexico happened and Clint was forced to broaden his mind to understand that there were nine realms, and the Norse gods of myth were real. Then PEGASUS happened; he was taken under mind control by a crazy god from Asgard. Lokior _Sir,_ as the lunatic delighted in being calledpulled all of Clint's secrets out of him no matter how hard he tried to keep them hidden. He learned about John and Hydra, about Bobbi and all of Natasha's secrets. It was horrible.

Shooting an exploding arrow at the bastard and pointing his arrow right in his face was extremely satisfying.

Getting to know Steve (Captain America; are you fucking serious?), Tony, Bruce, and Thor was an interesting experience. They all wanted to bond together, and even Tony, who pretended that he didn't need anyone (but who actually wanted connections desperately), was involved in all of the team bonding exercises. Natasha was hesitant but participated as well. It was only Clint who was distant, only Clint who was barely around.

He told himself it was because he wasn't interested in being on a team of superheroes. He told himself it was because these people weren't interesting to him, and that he was only there because Fury (and John) wanted him to be. But the truth was that he _liked_ them, liked each and every one of them. And that was oh so very dangerous. He knew he was going to have to turn on these people. He was going to have to take them out or take them down. And he would do it; as soon as John ordered him to, he'd do it. But if he got close to them it would be so much harder.

Clint found out that Phil was alive because of John. Apparently, Phil was forming his own mobile command unit to deal with unnatural threats that were too small for the Avengers. John had strategically placed Grant Ward (an arrogant little prick that thought he was better than everyone else) on the team to try and find out how Phil had survived getting stabbed through the heart.

With Phil "dead," Fury had Clint and Natasha working primarily with Sitwell and John, which was perfectly alright. After a bit, Natasha went to DC to work with STRIKE (under the command of Hydra agent Brock Rumlow), Steve going as well after getting some more training. Clint got to know Antoine "Tripp" Triplett, an agent working directly under John like Clint was now.

They traveled together a lot for missions, and Clint and John had to pretend to not understand some of the attacks that were happening from Centipede and other Hydra branches. The three of them were flying back to Headquarters when they received a message that Phil and his team had captured Ian Quinn but were refusing to turn him over. They were sent to collect him, and John readily agreed because Quinn had information on "Deathlok" (which they had to pretend not to know what it was as SHIELD agents, like John wasn't the Clairvoyant).

When they boarded, Phil and Agent May were waiting for them, along with Grant-fucking-Ward. Phil's eyes widened when he saw Clint and looked instantly cautious, but Clint just offered him a tired smile, saying that in the time that Phil had been away, Clint had gained his level seven, and John had told him the truth. Ward glared daggers at Clint the whole time (Tripp might've been compared to Ward all the time, but Ward had always been compared to Clint), and May shook his hand.

Phil convinced John to help them save a girl name Skye (Daisy Johnson, for god's sake!) and interrogate Quinn on "The Bus" instead of taking him to the Sandbox. John and Phil talked to Quinn and he revealed that he was just following the orders that "The Clairvoyant" gave him. Clint couldn't help but smirk at the way John effortlessly acted like he had no clue what Quinn was talking about, and felt a twinge in his chest when Phil bought it hook, line, and sinker.

They ended up finding a place called "The Guest House" and fighting against some SHIELD agent to get some drug called GH325. A young scientist named Simmons injected the girl, Skye/Daisy, with it and she instantly began to get better. John, Clint, and Trip took Quinn and left.

* * *

Hydra comes out of the shadows sooner than Clint thought they would. Then again, everything with Coulson's team seemed to be leading to this point, so it shouldn't have been so surprising.

Clint and Garrett almost get shot out of the sky (damn Agent Hand acting before getting all the facts) before boarding The Bus and joining Phil's team, just in time for Skye/Daisy to decode a message hidden in a jamming signal. _'Out of the shadows into the light. Hydra.'_ Well, wasn't it just nice that Hydra signed their coded messages? Clint looked to John, a question in his eyes, and knew that they'd be staying undercover for a bit longer to see how everything played out.

The Bus was attacked by SHIELD agents and the team managed to escape after Skye/Daisy backed up the hard drive with all of their information, and then everyone separated into teams; Ward and Skye/Daisy went to try and disable the security system protecting the building, and Phil, May, John, and Clint went to go and find Dr. Simmons and Tripp, who were already at the Hub.

John tried to convince Phil that they should kill Agent Hand because they thought she was the Clairvoyant, but Phil was adamant that they question her instead. John started talking about all the things the clairvoyant had done, listing things like Phil being put in the same machine that was used to brainwash Raina. Phil froze and said the classic  _'I never told you about that,'_ revealing John as Hydra.

A team of gunmen entered the room and point their guns at John and after a second, Clint did the same with his bow, knowing that John would want him to keep his cover for as long as possible. John said something about Jasper Sitwell to the gunmen and half of them turned on the other half, killing them and then pointing their guns at Phil, May, and Fitz.

John began a speech about how he wasn't a true believer in Hydra (Clint wasn't either) and was just a "cheerful optimist." He tried to recruit Fitzwhich didn't workand then the power went out. A fight ensued, and when the lights turned back on, the gunmen were down and John was being held at gunpoint by the three real SHIELD agents in the room. Clint followed their example.

Agent Hand and her goons charge the room, and having heard John's confession, they took John and the other Hydra agents into custody. As they walked down the hall towards the holding cells, Tripp was being held back by a couple of agents, screaming at John for his betrayal. Ward watched with a blank expression (and really, could this kid even act?). Clint holstered his gun, put his bow on his back, and strode towards John, molding his expression into one of fury hidden right beneath the surface. Right before he got to John he raised his fist as if to punch him, and then was pulled away by Phil and May.

Clint snarled and walked away, muttering that he needed air. He knew that all the camera feeds would be monitored, so he had to continue to play the part of betrayed SHIELD agent. He paced through the hallways and punched a wall once or twice before striding out of the building. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one; anyone who knew him knew that he only smoked when he was really upset.

Natasha called him at one point, her voice urgent and concerned. Clint reassured her that he was fine and at the Hub with Agent May and Agent Hand, and that JohnGarrett to herwas a _dirty traitor_ (if only she knew; well, she would soon enough...)

Fifteen minutes after he hung up, when Clint knew that Garrett would be in the holding cell and left alone while the SHIELD agents did whatever it was that they had to do, he headed back inside. Clint looped the cameras feeds of the hallway outside the cell and inside of it as well; he knew that the glitches in the feeds would be noticed soon enough since everyone was on high alert, so he had to work quickly.

He crouched in front of the cell door and began hacking into the keypadhe wasn't as good as Skye/Daisy, but he wasn't bad at it either. He'd been working for only ten seconds when he heard footsteps coming down the hall towards him. Clint turned and saw Agent May, who was looking at him with suspicion. Clint easily slid into an annoyed expression at being caught, as well as a little sheepish.

"Barton," May said slowly, "what are you doing?"

Clint sighed and stood up, slouching against the door. "I was breaking in so I could mess up his face a bit; he was looking far too smirky when he was walked down here. I want to wipe it off his face." His expression turned challenging and defensive. "Are you going to stop me?"

May sighed and walked closer until she was close enough for Clint to hit if he just leaned forward slightly. She put her hand on his shoulder and began leading him away from John's cell, saying that they'd all get their chances. That wouldn't do, so Clint pulled his gun from his holster on his hip and slammed it against her head. Agent May went down hard and Clint dragged her back down the hall so it would take a lot longer for SHIELD to find her.

He got the cell door open and ran inside. John was handcuffed to a table in the center and when he saw Clint he grinned and held his hands off of the table. Clint undid the locks with a key he'd made himselfhandcuff keys were easy to createand then raised his gun again, leading John out of the cell. He led John through the halls towards where the hanger was supposed to be, determined to get them both out of there.

Clint couldn't really say that he was surprised when they entered the hanger to find a lot of SHIELD agents standing in wait, guns held up and pointed right at them. Clint turned this way and that with his gun raised, trying to find the weak link in their ambush and get them out of there. The agents parted and Clint had a brief moment of confused hope that they were going to let them go, but then Phil was walking forward, his expression very grave.

"Clint," Phil's voice was firm but kind and pleading; Clint always could read his S.O. so easily. "Whatever he has over you, whatever he has to make you do this, we can fix it. Just put the gun down and it'll all be alright." Phil was using the Voice, the Voice he used whenever Clint needed someone to talk to. The Voice he used when Clint was unsure during a mission and needed some guidance.

God, how Clint wished he could put his gun down. He couldn't, and he wouldn't; not in a million years. This was  _John_ he was protecting,  _John_ he needed to save. There was no onenot even Phil or Natasha or Bobbithat he would put before John, no matter how badly he wanted to. No matter how much it hurt him to turn his gun on Phil right in that moment.

John laughedloudly. It was a cruel sound, full of malice and pleasure at Phil's pain. He moved forward until he was right behind Clint and ran a hand across Clint's chest, kissing his neck as well, never taking his eyes off of Phil. Clint knew what John was doing; he wanted to hurt Phil as deeply as he could, and showing that Clint was _his_ and not SHIELD's was the best way to do that.

"Oh Phil," John's voice was full of mock pity, and Clint stayed silent, his gun raised in the air and his face perfectly blank. "I don't have anything  _'over'_ Clint here! Clint's been mine all along, an agent of Hydra since before he even joined SHIELD." Phil's eyes narrowed and John laughed again. "It's adorable, Phil, that you thought you could save him. He didn't need to be savedI did that already."

"Put your gun down, Agent Barton," Phil's voice was hard, his eyes just as cold. But Clint could read Phil, could see the hurt in his gaze and the disbelief at what John was saying. Clint's chest tightened;  _he_ had hurt Phil,  _he_ had put that broken expression on his old S.O.'s face. "You are surrounded, there is no way out, and I think you have a lot less bullets than there are men waiting to take you down the second you move."

Clint didn't know what to do. He was looking everywhere and there was no break, no weak spot. He could go for Phil, he guessed, but the SHIELD agents decked out in tactical gear would shoot him full of lead before he even had a chance to reach Phil and hold him as a hostage. There was no see-able way he was getting out of this alive unless he turned himself in, and he couldn't do that to John.

"Shoot him, Clint," John said, loud enough for all of them to hear him. He was still kissing his neck, and Clint couldn't think; he didn't know what to do. He couldn't shoot Phil, but he'd never disobeyed an order from John. He didn't  _want_ to disobey John; John was his home, his salvation, his everything. Hydra and SHIELD could both go and fuck themselvesor better, each otherbut Clint just wanted John safe.

Clint's hesitation did not go unnoticed by anyone; Phil's expression turned from hard to thoughtful as Clint licked his lips and adjusted his grip on his raised gun, and John's grip on him tightened until it was painful. This was the moment that would decide his future; Hydra or SHIELD, John or Phil. Clint once thought that nothing would ever be more important than what he and John had, and he still wanted that to be true. What if they could show Phil the truth? Daniel Whitehall was working on some interesting things. Then no one would have to die...

Making his mind up, Clint lowered the angle of the gun and shot Phil in the calf. Phil grunted and jerked back, switching his weight away from his left leg to his right. The SHIELD agents around them tightened their grips on their weapons and shifted, prepared to shoot Clint. Clint didn't care about them; in his attempt to get John out of there, he began shooting the men. All those he shot at went down (best marksman in all of Hydra and SHIELD) but they began shooting back, and he had a lot less bullets than they did.

Someone got him in the leg, the arm, and then the shoulder, all of them through and through. John ducked behind a crate to avoid the bullets and Clint hoped he could fight their way out of this. The gunmen moved forward and they overpowered Clint, who was quickly weakening at his blood loss. Clint was shoved to the ground and his hands were locked behind his back. He went limp and let the men move him about, knowing that fighting would be pointless and just hurt more.

* * *

Clint was in captivity for over three weeks with no contact with anyone. They had put him in a cell after stripping him of his uniform and removing all of his weapons from his person. They'd given a pair of green scrubs that were too big for him, but he didn't complain; what would be the point? Plus, he'd lived in worse conditions than these ones.

After four hours (being a spy for almost twenty years gave him an impeccable sense of time) they moved him into a quinjet (heavily locked up and guarded) and flew him to another base. He was shoved into a cell after greeting Agent Koenig (who glared at Clint) with a wall that would be see-through or clouded or sound-proof any time the person with the controller wanted it to be. Said controller could also open his cellsmall parts of it for when they delivered his two meals a daybut no one ever did that full way (go figure).

They left him mostly alone. In the beginning, Phil or Agent May would come down and question him about Hydra, but Clint didn't even look at them; he sat on his bed (could you call a piece of metal protruding from the wall with an incredibly thin mattress a bed?) and stared at the wall opposite him, his expression blank and body un-moving. Soon enough, when they realized he wasn't going to betray John, they stopped coming. The meals were delivered while Clint was asleep, which led him to believe that they were drugging the air occasionally because he definitely would've heard them and woken up if he was in his right mind.

The best part of his day was when Grant Ward came down the steps and glared at him for a while. Clint couldn't help the large grin that overtook his features when Ward started talking about how Hydra was bad and how John was a bad person (did someone say irony?). When Ward told him that John was dead, Clint froze, his life stopping and turning on its axis. Relief flooded him when he saw Ward tapping out Morse Code on his thigh. _Not dead. Play along._

Clint was one of the best operatives SHIELD (and Hydra) had ever had, so his relief never showed on his face, just a continuation of grief, and then fury when Ward said that he'd killed John himself. In one fluid motion Clint was standing and right in front of the barrier separating him from Ward. He slammed his fist on the barrier and snarled out insults, promising the black-haired man that he'd kill him as soon as he got out (no one ever accused Clint of being a bad actor).

Ward left, and for the next two days Clint was completely alone. Clint had gone back to his blank staring, his back against the wall and his knees folded up against his chest with his arms resting on them. After two days, the door leading into the area in front of his cell opened again, and down the stairs walked Phil. His expression was carefully blank, his walk measured to appear completely comfortable.

Clint just kept his gaze on the wall, not moving, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Phil stare at him for a few minutes in silence. Then Phil said, "he didn't really love you, you know. He was just using you, Clint." Clint's eyes narrowed slightly but he didn't respond other than that. He refused to let these lies get to him.

"It's true, Clint. Garrett manipulated everyone around him into doing what he wanted them to do. He used your love for him against you and used it to make you do anything he told you to do," Clint hated how calm and unaffected Phil's voice was, how the man was spitting outrageous lies and didn't even seem to care that what he was saying was far from the truth.

"You're wrong," the words, full of anger, spilled from his lips before he could stop them. He turned his head to look at Phil. "John loved me as much as I still love him, and he's dead because of you and your team."

"I think there's something you should see, Clint." Phil picked up the controller for Clint's cell and pushed a few buttons. Something popped up on part of the barrier, a video recording. Clint heard a sharp intake of breath as John appeared on the screen, and then realized it had come from him. Clint recognized the room John was in; it was the interrogation room at The Hub, and John was sitting across from Phil, smirking. John and the video Phil began speaking.

 _"How did you manage to turn Agent Barton against SHIELD?"_ Phil asked. John's smirked widened.

_"I didn't, Phil; he was an agent of Hydra for seven years before he worked for SHIELD."_

To his credit, Phil didn't let anything he was feeling show on his face. _"Alright, I'll play along; how did you manage to recruit Clint Barton to Hydra?"_

John's smirk turned proud and cocky. Oh, how familiar that look was to Clint, he'd seen it a million times before. Clint wanted to see John in person so badly in that moment he almost let his pain show on his face.

_"You know me, Phil, you know how good I am at reading people. I met Clint when he was just a small fifteen year old kid. He'd just been beaten almost to death by his mentor and brother because he tried to do the right thing and stop them from robbing a bank. Clintwell, you knowClint has been abandoned by everyone in his life; his father beat him then killed himself and his wife in a car crash; Barney Barton left him more times than you could count and then left him for dead in an alleyway...You get the picture._

_"I'd been wanting to get this little kid to work for me since I saw him preform at some stupid circus. And now here he was, all alone and vulnerable. I paid a group of guys to jump him a week after Big Brother and Trickshot left him for dead. Now, Clint was very goodeven thenbut he was still injured and the guys I hired were big; they had him down on the ground before the kid even knew what hit him._

_"So there he is, fifteen-year-old kid being once again beaten in an alley by guys twice his size, when I swooped in. I beat up a few of them and pulled my gun on the others; they scattered. I helped Clint up and took him back to my hotel, fixing him up. When he woke up he was cautious and wary, but grateful all the same. Now, I only had to read the kid's file and spend five minutes with him to know that the tough act I usually used in recruitment wouldn't work; this kid had been beaten down his entire life! Doing that to him wouldn't even make him flinch._

_"So I took care of him. For weeks I helped him recuperate and learn some better fighting moves. I was kind to him and it was clear that this was one of the first times someone had been genuinely nice to himwell, he_ thought _it was genuine, at least. So when he was all fixed up, I told him who I worked for and that I wanted to recruit him because of his skills. By that time I had him eating out of the palm of my hand._

_"From there it was incredibly easy. I trained him, along with some other Hydra agentsonly the best, of course, I saw great things in Clintand in only two years, one of the shortest times for any Hydra agent to get fully trained, Clint was going on active missions. By that time Clint was already in love with me, seeing me as his savior and mentor, as the first person to give a shit about him, and all I had to do was keep being caring. I skillfully rebuffed him for a bit, but I saw that it was affecting the way he was working, so I decided to start something. He was seventeen at the time, young and attractive...It wasn't like it was a hardship to sleep with him._

_"He is, and always will be, my greatest trainee. Everyone who came after him was always compared to him, held to his standard. None of them met the challenge...Hey, you remember when Clint and Morse dated? And the messy breakup that followed? It's funny; Clint actually loved that girl. The only reason he ended it was because I told him that if he continued seeing her, he'd be the one assigned to kill her._

_And you know what's_ really _funny, Phil? Clint never had a clue about how you felt about him. You were pining away after your archer for years and he, one of the most observant people I have ever met, couldn't even tell. Or, at least, he didn't tell me about it if he did; then again, he told me everything."_

_"You're a sick man, you know that?"_

John spread his hands with a grin. _"What can I say, Phil? The kid was useful, a means to an end."_

The video shut off.

Clint was...Clint was...well, Clint didn't know what he was. He felt sick, used, offended, hurt, horrified...he felt like his entire world had just crashed down around him. John hadn't loved him. John had seen him as a means to an end, as someone he would throw away as soon as his usefulness ran out. Clint was nothing but the gum at the bottom of John's shiny leather boots. John had found Clint when he was vulnerable and weak and had given Clint a home, had given him a place that Clint felt like he belonged in for the first time in his life.

Distantly, Clint was aware that he wasn't controlling his emotions, that everything he was feeling was showing clearly on his face, but he didn't care enough to fix that. He was still staring at the spot where the video had been playing. As if from far away, Clint heard Phil speaking to him, but Clint couldn't hear him; everything he knew had just crumbled around him. Tears were falling from his eyes and down his cheeks. He hadn't cried real tears since he was sixteen years old, sixteen years ago.

Clint didn't even notice Phil leave. He didn't notice when May came down and personally placed his food tray through a small slot. He didn't notice when Natasha appeared and held him for a few hours before leaving. He didn't notice when Dr. Simmons came down (with Tripp standing guard nearby) and entered his cell to draw blood. His eyes remained firmly on the place where John's smirking face had been, where the older man had cavalierly dismissed Clint as nothing but a tool.

It had been six days since Phil had showed him the video, six days since he had eaten anything, six days since he had slept even for a single moment (not that Clint noticed the change in time). He snapped back to reality very suddenly, feeling lost and confused and in so much anguish. He didn't have a purpose anymore. He didn't have someone who loved him no matter what (a reasonable part of his mind whispered that he never had, at least not with John).

His eyes landed on the small mirror that was hanging on the wall next to the bed. He stood up and looked at himself in it, noting the dirty hair and short beard, the circles under his eyes and the slight hollowness to his cheeks. He looked like he was dead. He felt like he was dead. He wanted to be dead.

He broke the mirror and brought the largest part to his wrists.

* * *

Clint woke up to an incessant beeping noise. He was lying on a soft mattress unlike the one in his cell and was covered by an even softer blanket. There was a light weight on his leg and a hand, somebody's else's, resting over his right hand, which was very weird because he hadn't been touched (other than Dr. Simmons drawing blood) in over a month. The last person to touch him kindly had been John...

The blonde man blinked his eyes open and was greeted by a brightly lit ceiling, completely different than the one in his cell. If he turned his head slightly to the left he could see a few hospital-type things, like a heart monitor (which was producing the beeping) and an IV stand that held a bag of fluid. Clint followed the IV line downwards with his eyes and saw it end with a needle which was stuck in the crook of his arm.

Clint turned his head to the right to see who was holding his hand. Sitting by his bedside, her head resting against his leg, her blonde hair fanning out over the bed, her hand covering his own and her face peaceful in sleep, was none other than Barbara Morse. Clint hadn't seen Bobbi in four years, hadn't talked to her in at least six. And now here she was, sitting next to him while he was laid up in medical, just like she'd done so many times while they were together.

Clint's wrists really hurt. So did his stomach, and his thighs. He didn't know why, though. He knew something must've happened, but the last thing he could remember was Phil showing him the video where John said that he never loved him and that Clint was just a means to an end.

Bobbi shifted and then her eyes slid open. She stared at Clint and Clint stared back, until she quickly lifted her head and gave a hesitant smile. Clint returned it. "It's good to see you, Bobbi. It has been way too long." She squeezed his hand and he glanced around. "What happened? My wrists, stomach, and thighs hurt, but I don't remember how I hurt them. I was in the cell...What happened?"

The blonde woman's expression softened and she rubbed his arm soothingly. "Do you remember Coulson showing you the video of Garrett?" Clint nodded, his stomach churning. "Well, after that you kind of went comatose for six days, not eating or sleeping or moving. Then when you snapped out of it you broke the mirror in your cell and cut your wrists; then you stabbed yourself in the stomach; then you cut at your thighs." She sighed. "You were really determined to end your life, Clint. It terrified all of us, especially Coulson, Natasha, and I."

"Why do you care?" Clint asked, feeling hurt and confused. "I destroyed our relationship, I was working for Hydra...why don't you hate me? Why don't you all hate me? God; Natasha, Phil, you..."

Bobbi sighed. "Coulson showed us all the video where Garrett talked about how he recruited you. He manipulated you; you were just a kid, Clint, just fifteen years old. Yes, you've done some really bad stuff, but I don't think any of us would've ended up differently if we'd been in your situation. You loved Garrett, thought he loved you, and all of that was just emotional manipulation. So no, Clint, none of us blame you. Are we a little upset? Yes, understandably so. But we just want you to be ok."

Clint felt his throat get tight, and was saved from replying when Natasha and Phil entered his hospital room. The redhead just looked at him critically while Phil gave him a tired smile. Then, they both moved forward, Natasha taking his free hand and Phil propping himself on the edge of the bed by his feet. All three of them were looking at him with acceptance; Bobbi with relief and Phil with hope. Natasha had always been hard to read, but Clint could see her quiet forgiveness. It made Clint want to cry in relief.

"I don't know what I do now," Clint said brokenly, "John was all I had."

Natasha huffed and rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid, yastreb. You have us."

"As for what to do?" Phil said, "well, now we rebuild, and you decide if you want to do it with us."

Clint smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. I have finished this. Awesome!
> 
> I have been working on this for four days straight, almost non-stop (who cares about sleeping!), and I am so proud of what I came up with.
> 
> I might write a sequel - if enough of you like it - but right now I'm feeling like Daniel Craig, saying that I'd rather bite off my own tongue than write another thing (1. props to you that get that reference 2. I will probably be writing something within the hour) because I am BEAT.
> 
> Well, hope you all enjoy!


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